There are many people with tips on how to build confidence. While much of the advice can help build confidence in the short term, it doesn’t help create lasting confidence. Some of these things can even erode confidence over the long term, because they try to get you be something you are not. This is not only unsustainable, but can also unconsciously add to the shame we feel about who we are.
Here are my 3 tips to building *natural and lasting* confidence.
1. Shine a light on your deep, dark pain – the part of yourself you don’t want to show the world
Part of the reason we are not confident, is because we have this deep, dark part of ourselves that we are too ashamed to show the world. We think if we show this part of ourselves to the others, they will laugh at us, shun us, turn away and reject us.
And, we think we are the only one like this.
This is not the case. EVERYONE has a part of themselves they don’t want to show the world, whether they are consciously aware of it or not (and if someone doesn’t seem to have this part of themselves, it’s likely they have had to work through this to get to where they are).
Why do we have this in the first place? This is a longer conversation for another blog, but suffice to say, it most often comes back to childhood and the pain we experienced there. We had an experience in childhood that we took be our fault – that there was something wrong with us, and in doing so, we shunned and turned away from that part of ourselves.
A tree can only grow as high as its root system will allow.
So, in order to have natural, lasting confidence, we need to turn towards this part of ourselves. The reason we are not confident, is because we invest a lot of time and energy trying to hide this part of ourselves from the world – we can’t fully be ourselves and trust we will be accepted.
Many other people try to get you to assume a “confident façade” – but doing this, is like trying to put a nice manicured layer of grass over a rubbish dump. The foundations are still the same.
And in fact, it can make us even more ashamed of that part of ourselves – we can then (consciously or unconsciously) think that part of us is so abhorrent that we have to cover it up – even the “experts” say so.
But imagine if you could be truly be yourself, and be truly accepted for who you are. How would that affect your confidence? You would likely be more confident.
So, the first step is to start to shine a light on those parts of yourself you don’t want to show the world. In order to show other people, and have a hope of being accepted, you first have to show yourself, and start to accept yourself. If you can truly start to accept yourself, then others will start to accept you too, and if not, you won’t really care what they think.
2. Start doing things that challenge you – start building a sense of achievement
Julie Sparkle, a motivational speaker, says that one of the things that makes us happy is a sense of achievement. Julie’s son is on the spectrum and when her husband died, Julie wanted to give her son everything she could. So she did everything for him so he wouldn’t have to. One day she followed him into school and saw that all the other kids were happier than her son. Why would that be when she had done everything for her son and given him everything she possibly could? That’s when she realised that one of the things that makes us happy in life is a sense of achievement.
Many of us try to stay in our circle of safety and don’t want to venture outside of what is comfortable. But doing this:
- a) Makes our world smaller and smaller over time – our creature brains love this and have been designed over thousands of years to keep us safe and to survive, and so will do whatever it can to keep us comfortable and safe (and small) – not because it’s bad, just because that’s its job (human beings would not have physically survived without it)
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- b) Decreases our happiness, fulfillment and confidence over time – research shows that we need stretch goals to feel fulfilled – goals or tasks that we have a 50% success/fail rate. This is one of the things we NEED in order to thrive as humans.
So, if you are wanting to build natural, lasting confidence, you need to include challenges that stretch you and allow you to step outside your comfort zone. It doesn’t have to be a big thing straight away, and it doesn’t have to be an arduous thing – you can start small and make it fun. Sing karaoke with friends, go dancing (or even just dance in the privacy of your own home), do a ropes challenge course, an exercise class you’ve never tried before, a day trip to a new place, cooking or craft lessons…
Or go along to a Meetup Group and meet some new people.
Which brings us to the last point:
3. Surround yourself with supportive people
Especially when you are trying to bring out another part of yourself and try new things, it’s super important to surround yourself with supportive people. People you can say, “This is new. I’m feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable” and they will get it and cheer you on.
Sometimes, the people we are most familiar with are the ones who are not necessarily the most supportive of us when we go through change.
While that’s not always the case, sometimes we need to practice first with supportive strangers to build our confidence. And then we can start to open up to those closer to us.
Part of this is because our relationships and interactions with others is based on who we are. A bit like jigsaw puzzle pieces fitting together. So if we were jigsaw puzzle pieces, as we start to change, our jigsaw puzzle piece self starts to change shape, and we don’t fit as well into the jigsaw mould. This unconsciously challenges those around us as they feel the changing nature of our relationship and so are given the opportunity to change too, or else can try to have you change back to fit back into the comfortable jigsaw puzzle mould.
It’s not good or bad, right or wrong, it’s just what’s comfortable and familiar – all things that our creature brains (ours and their’s) is wanting. And yet, there is a more conscious and developed part of us that is wanting to change. Our soul is here to grow and develop and so will continuously call us on with opportunities for change.
So this means it’s sometimes easier to find other supportive people you can be around while you change, people who are not as invested in keeping you as you are. At least until you are strong enough in yourself to support and be your newly developing self.
One place to find other people is to look up Meetup Groups – these are in many cities around the world and most of these offer free events and opportunities to meet up based on different interests so you’re sure to find a group that suits you.
(While I run a Meetup Group, I am NOT affiliated with Meetup – I just know that it has helped me through different times of transition in my life and I’m sure it can do the same for you if it resonates).
No matter how you go about building confidence, be kind and compassionate to yourself. Comparing yourself to others and/or beating yourself up for not being where you “should be” or not changing fast enough is not helpful. And neither is beating yourself up for beating yourself up! Wherever you are in your journey be kind to yourself – this is who you are right now. This is where you are. And, okay.